fuck it.

i gained 3.4 lbs when i weighed into weight watchers today. i haven’t eaten great this week, but i have worked out a lot. i was pretty bummed, although admittedly it’s more because i want to reach goal and stop paying for meetings that do work for me mostly. but you know what? fuck it. it’s just a setback.

this morning i received heartbreaking news that an old friend had passed yesterday. she was in her late 30s and a beautiful person. when i was told, i couldn’t even process when the name was mentioned. how is her being gone even possible?

the point, as cliche as it is, is that it really is important to enjoy life no matter what it throws at you. because it is beautiful and a gift and we never know how long we’ll have. this doesn’t mean that sometimes it doesn’t completely totally suck and we can’t recognize this and even complain. it just means we should keep in mind that it will pass. even if it takes a while. and there will always be something that isn’t horrible going on at the same time.

keep your head up. and when you don’t feel like it, allow those feelings. but recognize even the tiniest things of happiness and love.

rip, beth.


“i would have run right in there . . .”

true story.

when i was about 16 i worked at gardening/home store called flower time. one night a guy came in and up to my register. with one hand in his jacket pocket, he reached over to my register and very calmly said, “i’m just going to take this.” i put my hand over the money not realizing what was happening. when i figured it out, i moved my hand. there was a long line of customers when this happened. they all just watched.

now the point.

about a week later, some big guy came into the store and to my register. he said, “hey, were you the girl who got robbed a few weeks ago? i was in line and saw the whole thing. if it had been me, i would have jumped on the guy . . .”

what do you think the moral of this story is?


to roller derby or not to roller derby…

okay, guys, it’s that time of the year again when i try to put all my anxiety aside and consider trying out for my original league…again. (feel free to stop reading at this point. and if you continue, don’t say i didn’t warn you about the upcoming crazy angst.)

as much as i promised myself i would skate without having the structure of a class or derby, i haven’t. in fact, i’ve skated less than a handful of times since july. every time i realize that, i die a little inside.

i also have the opportunity to drop-in on sunday nights with hard. who have been super gracious and encouraging to me. but the fact is it’s really far. like over an hour each way on a sunday evening.

and rumor has it that ctrg’s rookie practices are now thusday night and SUNDAY mornings (the latter couldn’t be more perfect). my energy level is highest in the morning, meaning my anxiety level is lowest. and thrusday nights, well, since that is the end of the week, i do much better than being out later in the beginning of the week with the whole week ahead of me. at least at this point. if i could just go and do the thing i love and learn from all those skaters who are really great skaters and focus only on that, think of what i could accomplish. anxiety disorders are a bitch, kids.

oddly i am currently writing a blog about nike, you know, “just do it.” and in my own blog post yesterday i wrote: “live your dreams.” yet here i am putting way more pressure on myself than anyone else does.

man, i just want to skate. but not just in circles because i don’t have the attention span for that. the other day i tried to tell my therapist that i think i have adult add, but i made that statement so quickly in the midst of other totally non-related statements that i think he may have missed it. squirrel!!

bitstrips no more…

when i was a teacher, i was known as gt (goth teacher). i was also known for my fondness of illustrating points i was trying to make. by this i mean literally drawing things on the board, much to the dismay and amusement of my students who clearly didn’t know fine art when they saw it.

i’ve also always loved comics, particularly slice-of-life, autobiographical comics. ever since i read my first “fart party” graphic novel, i knew i wanted to make my own. but if i didn’t make it clear above, i’ll admit now that my drawing is a bit sub-par. maybe even lower than that if it’s even possible. so i’ve tried to find online cartooning programs, but because i’m cheap, i haven’t found any for free that will do what i was hoping it would: allow me to actually create visual accompaniments to my words. hence, my foray into bitstrip (see previous blog posts), which truth me told still crack me up.

but really, that’s cheating and i’m all for authenticity and go big or go home, so last night i ordered a book called “how to draw almost everything,” which one reviewer said will help you draw, albeit it will look like “children’s drawings.” which in all honestly, seems perfect for the type of comic i want to create.

is it going to work? am i going to end up just drawing stick figures? can you teach old dogs new tricks? eh, you don’t know until you try. live your dreams, kids. live your dreams.

thanks, universe. #synchronicity

for the last couple of days i’ve beeen racking my brain to remember someone’s name. i wrote an essay about this person, or rather an encounter i had with him, and i’m not ready to reveal the details just yet. however, the reason i was looking for his name was because i wanted to look up and see if there were any other such allegations about him and if he still held the powerful position he did at the time of the encounter.

after a few days, i remembered his first name. but for the life of me, i could not remember his last name. it was right there. i know “on the tip of your tongue” is a cliche, but it really felt like if i could just move my tongue into the right position to pronounce the name, i would have it. i could feel it.

i even tried to search for it on the internet by looking at people’s friend lists who had been mutual friends and other searches based on his profession, or at least the one he told me he had. i am fully aware of how borderline creepy this is, but for whatever reason, it was very important for me to do it. (and thank you, checkerbee, for my advanced internet research skills.)


last night driving home from work i stopped to get gas. if you’ve ever driven with me, you know that much to the panic of my mother, i constantly change radio station. yes, i am that girl. many times, i don’t even wait to hear the song; it’s more of an adhd movement than anything else. it’s worse if i’m anxious about something. a small blessings in new cars like mine, a honda fit, is that the radio controls are on the steering wheel, making this all much easier and less distracting to what i should actually be doing, which is driving. but as my london-friend would say, bygones.

after i pumped the gas, i got back in the car. i probably didn’t need to state that, but again, bygones. the random radio station i had stopped on before i had shut off the car was playing a song i’d never heard before and liked immediately. my fit has one of those cool screens that tells you what you’re listening too. if you have the patience. only one or two words flash across the screen at once so if you want the full name of the song and the artist, you should probably pull over or you run the risk of not watching the road. half the time it only gives you half the information anyway.

this time, at the exact minute i looked at the screen to see who the artist was, the singer’s last name was there. i instantly felt as if i had just had the wind knocked out of me. luckily the universe sometimes shows mercy and i was still in the parking lot and hadn’t pulled out onto the busy street just yet.

on tat screen was one word: the above-mentioned man’s last name.

the entire ride home i tried to catch my breath. i had no idea how unprepared i would be to have the memory of the name come rushing back. it’s over 12 hours later and i’m still not ready to look it up, which was the whole reason for my searching for it in the first place.

truth be told, i don’t know which is more unsettling: the name itself or how i was reminded what it was.

lately i understand more than ever to be aware of what the universe is telling me.

(note: i keep forgetting the name again.) the universe is protective too.