fuck it.

i gained 3.4 lbs when i weighed into weight watchers today. i haven’t eaten great this week, but i have worked out a lot. i was pretty bummed, although admittedly it’s more because i want to reach goal and stop paying for meetings that do work for me mostly. but you know what? fuck it. it’s just a setback.

this morning i received heartbreaking news that an old friend had passed yesterday. she was in her late 30s and a beautiful person. when i was told, i couldn’t even process when the name was mentioned. how is her being gone even possible?

the point, as cliche as it is, is that it really is important to enjoy life no matter what it throws at you. because it is beautiful and a gift and we never know how long we’ll have. this doesn’t mean that sometimes it doesn’t completely totally suck and we can’t recognize this and even complain. it just means we should keep in mind that it will pass. even if it takes a while. and there will always be something that isn’t horrible going on at the same time.

keep your head up. and when you don’t feel like it, allow those feelings. but recognize even the tiniest things of happiness and love.

rip, beth.


“i would have run right in there . . .”

true story.

when i was about 16 i worked at gardening/home store called flower time. one night a guy came in and up to my register. with one hand in his jacket pocket, he reached over to my register and very calmly said, “i’m just going to take this.” i put my hand over the money not realizing what was happening. when i figured it out, i moved my hand. there was a long line of customers when this happened. they all just watched.

now the point.

about a week later, some big guy came into the store and to my register. he said, “hey, were you the girl who got robbed a few weeks ago? i was in line and saw the whole thing. if it had been me, i would have jumped on the guy . . .”

what do you think the moral of this story is?


to roller derby or not to roller derby…

okay, guys, it’s that time of the year again when i try to put all my anxiety aside and consider trying out for my original league…again. (feel free to stop reading at this point. and if you continue, don’t say i didn’t warn you about the upcoming crazy angst.)

as much as i promised myself i would skate without having the structure of a class or derby, i haven’t. in fact, i’ve skated less than a handful of times since july. every time i realize that, i die a little inside.

i also have the opportunity to drop-in on sunday nights with hard. who have been super gracious and encouraging to me. but the fact is it’s really far. like over an hour each way on a sunday evening.

and rumor has it that ctrg’s rookie practices are now thusday night and SUNDAY mornings (the latter couldn’t be more perfect). my energy level is highest in the morning, meaning my anxiety level is lowest. and thrusday nights, well, since that is the end of the week, i do much better than being out later in the beginning of the week with the whole week ahead of me. at least at this point. if i could just go and do the thing i love and learn from all those skaters who are really great skaters and focus only on that, think of what i could accomplish. anxiety disorders are a bitch, kids.

oddly i am currently writing a blog about nike, you know, “just do it.” and in my own blog post yesterday i wrote: “live your dreams.” yet here i am putting way more pressure on myself than anyone else does.

man, i just want to skate. but not just in circles because i don’t have the attention span for that. the other day i tried to tell my therapist that i think i have adult add, but i made that statement so quickly in the midst of other totally non-related statements that i think he may have missed it. squirrel!!

bitstrips no more…

when i was a teacher, i was known as gt (goth teacher). i was also known for my fondness of illustrating points i was trying to make. by this i mean literally drawing things on the board, much to the dismay and amusement of my students who clearly didn’t know fine art when they saw it.

i’ve also always loved comics, particularly slice-of-life, autobiographical comics. ever since i read my first “fart party” graphic novel, i knew i wanted to make my own. but if i didn’t make it clear above, i’ll admit now that my drawing is a bit sub-par. maybe even lower than that if it’s even possible. so i’ve tried to find online cartooning programs, but because i’m cheap, i haven’t found any for free that will do what i was hoping it would: allow me to actually create visual accompaniments to my words. hence, my foray into bitstrip (see previous blog posts), which truth me told still crack me up.

but really, that’s cheating and i’m all for authenticity and go big or go home, so last night i ordered a book called “how to draw almost everything,” which one reviewer said will help you draw, albeit it will look like “children’s drawings.” which in all honestly, seems perfect for the type of comic i want to create.

is it going to work? am i going to end up just drawing stick figures? can you teach old dogs new tricks? eh, you don’t know until you try. live your dreams, kids. live your dreams.

girl on a bus

this morning when i was waiting to enter traffic from dunkin, there was a school bus in front of me.a kid slumped against the window unhappy to be there. a long-haired blond girl dancing and playing around in her seat while a long-haired blond girl across from her laughed hysterically. and a brown-haired girl with chin-length hair and glasses in the way back of the bus alone, looking out the window and having what seemed to be a passionate conversation with herself. i fully related to that brown-haired girl.

So There’s That

sooo … i did sit down with my manuscript at about 5 pm today, did other stuff, checked a few things on the actual manuscript, cooked dinner, which was very good–in both that i actually cooked and the dinner itself, and came back to my book at about 6:30, which if you know me, is way too late for me to do anything that requires any type of brain power whatsoever. however, my friend did say she would do a final light proofread so i have set my own deadline at next sunday to get it to her. preferably saturday. i also got tons of stuff done this weekend, including reading about 50 pages of “hunger makes me a modern girl,” which i am pointing out so that i am not kicking myself so hard over breaking my promise to myself. but also now that i have a promise to someone else, i know i’ll get it done; just like i finally got my eyebrows done. there are so many wrong things inherent in that last statement, but if you read my book, you’ll see it’s par for the course. and also fucking hysterical. the book, not my weekend. it wasn’t an overly funny weekend. it wasn’t a bad weekend. just not the laugh riot type. like my book is. #ShamelessPlug #SeeWhatIDidThere #StopItAlready  #ItsPastMyTimeToBeSuccessfullyCreative #StepAwayFromTheKeboard
AND on top of it all, i just wrote a blog post. #SoTheresThat  #NeverUnderestimateYourself #Woot


i went to medi weightloss today for my free consultation. the program is medical-based and you can lose up to 10 lbs the first week and 6 each following. they do all sorts of medical assessments and put you on a 500-700 calorie diet of just protein for the first week. starting the second week you can add in some veggies. supplements are available, including appetite suppressants. until you reach your goal, you go weekly. the initial visit without insurance is $450. if you can submit it out of network, you have to pay the insurance price which is over 700. each weekly visit, depending on if you get the vitamin injections are $79-130 and if you want mid-week injections, it’s $30. i was worried about paying $45 a month to be able to go to ww meetings and weigh-ins (i need the accountability; i can’t do it by myself).

they won’t tell you this over the phone so i saved you a visit. unless you have money to do this and don’t mind having to have your vitals checked weekly for almost $100 because you are literally starving yourself.