fuck it.

i gained 3.4 lbs when i weighed into weight watchers today. i haven’t eaten great this week, but i have worked out a lot. i was pretty bummed, although admittedly it’s more because i want to reach goal and stop paying for meetings that do work for me mostly. but you know what? fuck it. it’s just a setback.

this morning i received heartbreaking news that an old friend had passed yesterday. she was in her late 30s and a beautiful person. when i was told, i couldn’t even process when the name was mentioned. how is her being gone even possible?

the point, as cliche as it is, is that it really is important to enjoy life no matter what it throws at you. because it is beautiful and a gift and we never know how long we’ll have. this doesn’t mean that sometimes it doesn’t completely totally suck and we can’t recognize this and even complain. it just means we should keep in mind that it will pass. even if it takes a while. and there will always be something that isn’t horrible going on at the same time.

keep your head up. and when you don’t feel like it, allow those feelings. but recognize even the tiniest things of happiness and love.

rip, beth.


thanks, universe. #synchronicity

for the last couple of days i’ve beeen racking my brain to remember someone’s name. i wrote an essay about this person, or rather an encounter i had with him, and i’m not ready to reveal the details just yet. however, the reason i was looking for his name was because i wanted to look up and see if there were any other such allegations about him and if he still held the powerful position he did at the time of the encounter.

after a few days, i remembered his first name. but for the life of me, i could not remember his last name. it was right there. i know “on the tip of your tongue” is a cliche, but it really felt like if i could just move my tongue into the right position to pronounce the name, i would have it. i could feel it.

i even tried to search for it on the internet by looking at people’s friend lists who had been mutual friends and other searches based on his profession, or at least the one he told me he had. i am fully aware of how borderline creepy this is, but for whatever reason, it was very important for me to do it. (and thank you, checkerbee, for my advanced internet research skills.)


last night driving home from work i stopped to get gas. if you’ve ever driven with me, you know that much to the panic of my mother, i constantly change radio station. yes, i am that girl. many times, i don’t even wait to hear the song; it’s more of an adhd movement than anything else. it’s worse if i’m anxious about something. a small blessings in new cars like mine, a honda fit, is that the radio controls are on the steering wheel, making this all much easier and less distracting to what i should actually be doing, which is driving. but as my london-friend would say, bygones.

after i pumped the gas, i got back in the car. i probably didn’t need to state that, but again, bygones. the random radio station i had stopped on before i had shut off the car was playing a song i’d never heard before and liked immediately. my fit has one of those cool screens that tells you what you’re listening too. if you have the patience. only one or two words flash across the screen at once so if you want the full name of the song and the artist, you should probably pull over or you run the risk of not watching the road. half the time it only gives you half the information anyway.

this time, at the exact minute i looked at the screen to see who the artist was, the singer’s last name was there. i instantly felt as if i had just had the wind knocked out of me. luckily the universe sometimes shows mercy and i was still in the parking lot and hadn’t pulled out onto the busy street just yet.

on tat screen was one word: the above-mentioned man’s last name.

the entire ride home i tried to catch my breath. i had no idea how unprepared i would be to have the memory of the name come rushing back. it’s over 12 hours later and i’m still not ready to look it up, which was the whole reason for my searching for it in the first place.

truth be told, i don’t know which is more unsettling: the name itself or how i was reminded what it was.

lately i understand more than ever to be aware of what the universe is telling me.

(note: i keep forgetting the name again.) the universe is protective too.



believe it or not, i was a teacher once.

i walked into a store to make a return today. handed the manager my receipt. he looked at it and said: “bonaventura. seymour high school! hey, girl!”

he had to tell me his name because i didn’t recognize him as an adult, but then it came to me. he totally completely made my day! he grew up into a great, responsible, friendly young man. i’m still smiling.

as much as my last two years of teaching really scarred me (fuck you, you know who), there are some things i really miss. and that is connecting with kids and seeing them grow. there’s no way i will ever believe that kids didn’t respect me. sure some didn’t. it was be totally freakishly weird if some middle-school age kids didn’t disrespect me. ya know?

that said, i’m not a great disciplinarian. and i’m okay with that. i feel that teachers shouldn’t have to be super strict babysitters and kids should not be coddled (although in some situations they actually should be). my views on that are pretty old-school. and maybe i wasn’t cut out for inner-city, although i don’t fully believe that either.

i do have the utmost respect for teachers who find a balance and are able to become a teacher i would have liked to have. i know quite a few. go all of you! your students are so lucky to have you!

for me? maybe one day i’ll find myself back in a classroom. but now i’m really really happy where i am. it’s perfect. i love my work and my coworkers, whom i’ve come to consider family.

although that said, i would really love to teach a creative writing class as a side gig. i’m going to make that happen.

today in class i had a special ed student whom i’ve known for three years ask me if i had looked at some roller skating/dancing videos she had told me about. she had given them to me after seeing the “derby chick” necklace my cooperating teacher gave me. the one i wear every time i sub because it gives me a sense of confidence and lets me feel like i’m  channeling  my cooperating teacher.  i apologized to this student and told her that my life had kind of been a mess and i hadn’t done it yet, even though i had promised i would before i saw her again.

she then gave me a smiley face sticker and asked me if there was anything she could help me with. so i told that an aunt i am very close to passed away not long ago and just hours before i heard that her boyfriend, whom we all love, had joined her last night.

the student said she understood and had felt like that before and that when it happens, she just thinks that it will happen to all of us one day. and that thought makes her feel better.  she then asked me if that made me feel any better. she said she wanted to say something that helped me.

and experiences like this is just one of the reasons i really love what i do.

and know what i am going to do right now? i am going to go watch some roller skating/dancing vidoes.


r.i.p. we will miss you but are very happy you can be together now as you should be.